


Wasn't It Good?

by NiamsPotato



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-12 14:03:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2112708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NiamsPotato/pseuds/NiamsPotato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall writes his goodbye letter to Liam.<br/>Or Niall reminisces over his life with Liam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wasn't It Good?

My Darling Payno, 

 

I guess life holds a lot of regrets. Like, those fights we had, y'know? When you told me 'to get the fuck out, if that's what you want?' And I stormed out, didn't I, shouting that I DID want to leave? If we hadn't fought, maybe you wouldn't have fallen down and smacked your head and taken that Godforsaken lamp with you? Maybe I wouldn't have said what I said, and maybe you wouldn't either? I needed to calm down, y'know? That's why I left, not because you told me to. It's not like you didn't either, because we somehow pushed each other's button's the wrong way. Not that it happened a lot, but it did happen, y'know? I regret that now. I wish I'd never fought with you, and everything was just kisses, and sunshine, and rainbows. But life's not like that, is it? I screamed when I came home, when I saw your body coiled around that lamp, and your face flat down on the rug. I screamed so loud I lost my voice. I shook you - and you didn't wake up. I pleaded with you - and you still didn't wake up. I rang 999, but my hands were shaking so badly, it took me some time, y'know? I pleaded with the Gods above, and I think even tried to pray to Superman and Spiderman and just for the hell of it, Batman. I know you love Batman more than anything, so maybe he was the right one to pray to? I dunno. All I know, is that I needed you to be okay. 

When the ambulance came, you still hadn't woken up, and it scared the crap out of me, y'know? I think you did know, because we did talk about it, didn't we? You actually woke up in the ambulance, with the oxygen mask on you, and I've never seen you react so fast before. You were really quick, you know? But I think you went from confusion, to being afraid then to sort of come to terms where you were - in like three seconds. 

"Nialler," you said, so very quietly, that I hardly heard you from the beeping noises from the machines, or the sirens from the ambulance. 

"LiLi," I sort of choked out. I was just thankful that you woke up, but something in my gut told me there was something really wrong with you. It's no secret that I hate hospitals - with the doctors and nurses running around, and the sterile antispetic smell and the pale green walls that wasn't comforting anyone, least of all me. Nurses came and drawed your blood, for 'tests' they said. And the number of doctors that we had to see. You told them you'd felt dizzy and a little bit off for a few weeks. I know I gave you a look that could murder you, because you hadn't told me. Well, you sort of said you felt somehow fatigued, but feeling off for a few weeks? And before I knew it, we were out of the hospital. We had to promise that we'd come back the next day, though - 'to discuss whatever the blood tests came up with - if they came up with anything.'

You were completely normal when we came home. I sort of flinched when I saw the lamp, still broken, on the rug. We both sort of ran over to it, didn't we? Me, because I didn't want you to get hurt again, and because the sight of the broken lamp reminded me of  you sprawled across the floor. You did, probably because you knew what I was feeling. We didn't really say anything. I was terrified out of my mind that something was wrong, and I think you sort of could relate to that. I mean, you did whisper to me 'I'm scared, Niall.' And it was okay, in that moment, y'know? Because I was scared too. We kissed, and touched, and licked at each other with such frenzy, it's kind of weird to think back on. It was horrible, that scared and horrible feeling in my gut. I was so scared, and I needed you so much, you know? I hope you needed me as much as well. In fact, I know you did. I mean, I think we did out of fear. Fear of what I don't really know - but it was fear that sort of made us make love like we couldn't get enough of each other. We just held on to each other - and whispered our silly teenage dreams to each other. Like how we would be 90 - and still madly in love with each other. I liked those topics, you know? It made me feel loved. 

 

We were so tired when we went to the hospital the next day. The doctor didn't look as distant as he did the day before. The hospital somehow seemed a whole lot weirder than it did yesterday. A lot more scarier. And I knew when I looked into the doctor's eyes that he had some terrible news. I just knew. You just smiled at him, and I think you knew too. You always kind of did - you know? Of course you know that. You had some sort of sixth sense when it came to me and my feelings. 

The big C. Fuck.

You cried when you were told, and you've never really been much of a crier. Especially not with me, although we did share some tears together, didn't we? Terminal fucking cancer. Thanks for that God.

Another bad night, although we didn't kiss, touch or talk like we did last night. I could barely even look at you, because I didn't know how I felt about the fact that I didn't want to love you another second - because I was going to lose you anyway. I do regret that now, of course. Because I should've held you, and comforted you - because you needed me to. Because I needed you. 

I woke up alone the next morning. I was kind of scared, you know? I went down to the kitchen, and you were doing a huge fry up. We hadn't had one in ages - mainly because you had thrown such a tantrum when I made a joke about your tummy being a little on the 'large' size. You never had a 'large' belly, though, and I hope you know I loved every little thing about you - but especially your tummy. I loved to squeeze it, and just snuggle with it. It was comfortable. You were comfortable, and you made me feel so safe and loved. I hope you know that. 

I'm rambling aren't I? Yeah, I know I am. You hugged me when you saw me, then you gave me this huge smile. I tried to hug back, I really did, but reality hit me harder than ever, I think. I mean, you'd be gone, but me? I had to live without you. I didn't know how, to be honest. 

"I've made a list," you said. And I gave you this curious look. "A bucket list. Things I want to do before... you know. Before I die." I just gave you a nod. 

"What's with the fry up?" I kind of choked out.

"Ah.. No point in living healthy," you said, and then you sort of just smiled at me. A big, huge smile. 

 

Zayn and Harry cried even more than we did combined when we told them, but then again, they were always kind of the criers out of the five of us, weren't they? Zayn, because he had always been your closest friend. The one you confided in, when you didn't want to confide in me. Was I jealous? A little bit, I suppose. Everyone sort of talked about how close Lou and Haz were in the 'golden days', but they had nothing on you and Zayn, I guess. And I sort of floated between you all, didn't I? I think you were a little hurt by it, that I could be really close to Lou one day, and then I was really close to Zayn, and then I went off with my golf trips with Harry, and were really close to him for a couple of weeks. But you were the one I really loved to hang out with, you know? When we had our movie dates, and dinner dates, and you'd treat me to Nandos afterwards, as a treat for the both of us. Yeah, good times. 

And your mum? Well, she wouldn't even leave us alone for about a month. Is it selfish of me to say that I wanted you all to myself? That I didn't want to share you with anyone, not even your own mum? I suppose it sounds really selfish, and she probably felt the same way about me, when I think about it. But I didn't want to lose just even one second with you. It was so precious to saviour those moments with you, you know? I guess we all felt that way. 

And we did get started on your list. I almost laughed to myself when you told me you wanted me to teach you how to play 'proper' golf. Golf! Out of all the things we could've started with, you picked golf. I enjoyed golf the most, I suppose. Mainly because it's 'my' sport, apart from football. "I've always wanted to make you as happy when you play golf," you said our last day on the green. 

"You do," I said as I softly kissed your lips. 

 

I will, however, never forgive you for the scuba diving, parachuting and hang gliding. I've never been more terrified in my entire life, and you just laughed your head off when I screamed at you. 

You did lose your strength, and we should've probably been done with all the physical stuff before you became too weak to do them. I mean, who goes climbing on one of the last things, right? Well, we supposedly do, but you couldn't. I cried then. Did you know when I cried? Probably not. My eyes were red and bloodshot all the time during that time, so I don't think you could really tell when. You probably did know I did cry, though. I mean, it's a given. Louis always called us the 'idiot-twins'. And we were kind of stupid together, weren't we? But man, did we have fun during our 'idiot' moments. 

We did drive around a lot, and walk around too. Those were my favourite things, although I must admit, I was having fun with the golf too. When you couldn't walk around with me anymore, we got a wheelchair, and I pushed you around in it. We had a lot of fun, although there's not really a lot of fun being in a wheel chair, is it? Not when you really have to use it. You put up such a front for me, and although I was grateful for it when you did, I regret the fact that you couldn't be yourself 100% with me. To be real. Of course, the day came when you became too weak to be wheeled around too. I remember it like it was yesterday, etched in my mind. 

"Get up, sleepyhead!" I sort of pinched you, but you rolled over.

"Can't be bothered, Nialler. I'm so tired." And then you rolled over in our bed, and gave out a small little snore.

"Okay." I held back the tears until I slipped into the toilet, and then I think I cried for ten minutes. We didn't really talk about it when you did finally wake up. I'm a little thankful for that, to be honest. 

 

And then, you started to lose your hair. I don't know who cried the most over that fact. Me or you. I suppose you did, kind of. You were just sitting there, with a tuft of hair, with tears pooling in your eyes.

"What's up, Payno?"

"I'm losing my hair, Nialler." You choked out, and we just sort of held each other.

"Why don't you just.. shave it off? You've done it before..." I whispered, but you just shrugged.

"It was different then. I don't want to give in to it, Nialler. If I shave my head, it's like I'm giving into it. You know?"

I just nodded. Another thing. It was always 'it'. We didn't call it for what it was, because it would've hurt too much, you know? And 'it' took you away from me. You became thinner and thinner as the days rolled by. You almost looked like an alien, with tufts of strings as hair, which made your face look twice as big as your body. 

 

We made love twice before you... before you left me. The first time I really wanted to make you feel good, to feel you clench around me. But you were adamant that you would be the one to make me feel good. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you did, but you didn't really have the strength you used to have. Your arms were shaking with effort, although they weren't the sticks they became at the end. You sort of rolled home, and when we both climaxed, you fell on top of me, out of breath, with that big smile on your face. You looked so beautiful then. So much like my Payno. The second time, it was about me memorising you. There wasn't an inch on your body that wasn't licked, kissed or tasted. Although, it wasn't a love-making in the traditional sense. You couldn't even get hard, because you were on too many painkillers, but you told me I made you feel good anyhow, which is really all that matters, isn't it? Afterwards, I was laying on chest, finding comfort in your heartbeat.

I'm glad I memorized you when I did. You didn't have too many coherent days after that. Once, you woke up, saying you had 'such a craving for burgers', and I told you 'later, babe', whilst I had no idea if I wanted to laugh or cry. Laugh, because the absurdity of it all. Cry, because I knew you wouldn't remember asking for a burger ten minutes later. I was lying a lot on your chest, to comfort both myself, and you, as your thin fingers would sometimes caress my hair.

That's how you went. Me laying on top of your chest, listening to your heartbeat. For a minute, I thought I had put too much pressure on you, to stop you breathing, but of course, it wasn't. Is it selfish of me that I wanted to look into your eyes when you left? That I didn't want the last thing you remember of this life to be the top of my head, or the ceiling? I wanted it to be my eyes, because you always told me how much you loved them. But fate didn't want to grant us that wish, did it? 

The funeral was a blur. Who would've thought that Harry was the one to miss you the most out of the lads? He wouldn't leave me alone for a month, telling me how much he loved you, and missed you. Harry! Yeah, weird, right? You weren't really that close to him, or at least I didn't think you were.. but Harry told me otherwise. Yeah, I was close to Harry too, but I thought you were closest to Zayn, you know? "Liam would like take me to little trips here and there, sometimes alone, sometimes with either Zayn or Louis.. but I liked it the most when it was just the two of us. He helped me put my jumbled brain together." Harry told me, with a slight smile, whilst tears were running down his cheeks. And you did. With all of us, but most of all me. At least, I think you did a great job of it. 

 

I still can't believe the thing you said that made me so angry with you, that I, no offence, could kill you for. When you sat me down, eyes big and brown, a little sad - but you kept a smile anyway. "I want you to find love again, Nialler. Please, it'd mean so much to me..." I didn't let you finish. I wouldn't let you finish. Because you had no right to tell me that. You know? No right whatsoever. You'd be gone... And I'd be all alone. Without you. And I am, you know? There's no one else for me, but you. Why couldn't you realise that? You'd look at me like I shot you or something, because that haunted look... It still stays with me, but I'm still angry that you'd even suggest that.

I didn't find anyone else, by the way. Don't get me wrong, I didn't live like a hermit or anything like that. And yeah, I didn't really see much of the lads after a while, you know? Because it was too painful to see them. Apart from the fact that we send each other Christmas cards and birthday cards, and they write to me about their lives. Children and Grandchildren. Yeah. I guess I fell infatiuated with someone, but it lasted less than a week, when I was fourty-five.  It was so awkward, you know? And that was it, I suppose. Yeah, twenty years after you left me, I had a half-fling with some man I can't even remember anymore. How weird and stupid is that?

Louis went three years ago. Not cancer. Just his time, I suppose. I meant to ask, how is he? Is he good? Is he chatting up all the men and ladies up there? Does he miss Eleanor just as much as she misses him? I hope so, for her sake

 

But this is it for me. I've spent most of my life without you, and I'm so tired, Payno. I don't want to live my life without you anymore. I've tried and tried, and I can't anymore. I'm just done. I'm seventy years old, and I've spent forty-five years without you. I hope you see you soon again, baby. I want my heart to heal again. 

 

Forever and ever yours, Nialler. 

 

 

 

_Niall felt himself float. No more pain, no more... anything, really. It was light, and fluff, and every sad thing was just a mere memory, flecked into his brain somehow. He felt really happy. And young. The pain from his arthritis and his knee from his injury playing football who had played up every now and again in his older days, wasn't even there. He could feel a presence behind him, that made the hair of his body stand up. He felt the hot breath, and like the presence sort of inhaled his scent. He shivered._

_'Hey,' the voice, husky and oh, how Niall had missed that voice._

_'Hey,' Niall said, turning around, seeing the man who had been the love of his life. Liam held out his hannds, and Niall wasted no time as he sort of flung himself into Liam's embrace. 'I missed you,' Niall chocked out._

_'Missed you too,' Liam murmured, as he gave Niall the kiss he had missed and longed for... eternity._

_'You waste no time, do you?' A voice echoed, and although Niall had missed that voice too, he still wouldn't let go of Liam._

_'Missed you too, Lou,' Niall whispered, as he puckered up for yet another kiss from the love of his life. Not just life he had spent on earth - but also the afterlife._

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah... I needed to write myself out of the grief as I lost my cat... And is it really weird to say that I cried myself stupid whilst writing this? So yeah.. Sorry for any mistakes (grammar and/or spelling). Also sorry for the jumbled up structure of this story..


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